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First Tantrum

July 12, 2016

My daughter threw her first tantrum yesterday. She’s one year and five days old. It was a very simple tantrum: I was cutting her nails, and she didn’t like it. She wanted her hand back, she wanted the nail clippers, she wanted to be free. She also very much needed a nap. And so, she cried. This is the first time that I can think of that she has cried for a reason that didn’t have to do with comfort, fear, or hunger.

She was crying because she couldn’t have what she wanted and she would not be consoled. That’s a tantrum. I’m sure she will learn to step up her game in the future, with leg kicking and fist pounding and so forth. This was simply crying to the point of needing to catch her breath. Which, I have to say, it has been a while since she has cried like this. Before, this kind of cry was just in the carseat, because at the beginning, she hated her carseat.

It would have been very easy to give her what she wanted. I could have given her the nail clippers, let her go off with them, and let her play on her own. But, they are nail clippers. They are sharp. They are dangerous. They are not a toy.

They are what she wanted.

I did not give in to her want.

It was not a good thing. To her at least.

I know better than she does. I know where the dangers are.

I could have been soft in setting those boundaries, just this one time, and let her have what she wanted. But what about the next time?

I had to hold this boundary firm, so that I can be soft in other ways.

Because as she cried, I held her. Even as she twisted out of my grip, I let her stand on her own, and held myself open for her. I never let her have the dangerous thing, I didn’t give into her want, but I did offer something better.

This was our first tantrum. It will not be the last.

Because it was the first, I can say that I have done exactly what I wanted every time my daughter has had a tantrum. You can say those kind of things when you’ve only done them once.

There will be tantrums that I give in to. There will be tantrums that I lose my patience. There will be tantrums that I will do the opposite of what I want to do.

I hope to be soft on myself as I learn this parenting gig alongside my daughter. I hope I can show grace to others who are learning as well. I hope that as we learn, we may continue to live into boundaries that allow us to keep our hearts soft towards our children, and those around us.

A Lament, Four Days after Independence Day

July 8, 2016

Mercy. Mercy. Mercy.

We woke up to more wretched, horrible, heartbreaking news today. It’s like the United States decided to go insane after it’s birthday. Were we not just celebrating Independence Day four days ago? And now, there have been deaths upon deaths upon deaths. Each day we wake up to more news of lives stolen.

More fear. More hate. More blame.

We want to point fingers at someone else because then we don’t have to evaluate our own complicity in the evil around us.

“I’d never do anything like that!” “Why can’t they just be peaceful!” “They should have known better!”

I’m just as guilty of this as anyone else. I have my host of characters that I want to blame for each of the different violent incidents that happened this week, and I bet you do as well. And we probably don’t agree, which makes it even worse. Because then we can blame each other for blaming the wrong people. And then that becomes the new “talking point” rather than grieving the loss of lives that should not have been taken.

I’m sick. I’m tired. I’m weary.

And I don’t have to worry about most of the things that many of my brothers and sisters in this country have to worry about.

Because you know this is about race. And I’m white. So I don’t have to worry about it as much. I’m allowed to not have to think about what I need to tell my daughter about wearing a hood at night. That’s privilege.

And this morning, we woke up to news of more death in our centuries old story about race and power and hate.

Black people shouldn’t be shot if their tail light is out.

Black people shouldn’t die in prison after not turning on their turn signal.

Police officers shouldn’t be shot while protecting our right to protest.

Police officers shouldn’t die in the line of duty.

But they do. They are. And it’s wrong.

I grieve over all of it. I grieve that I don’t have the right words to say. I don’t know enough and I don’t understand how so much death has happened and we still don’t see any change. Whose death will finally turn the tide?

I’m a Christian, so I believe that we have already had that death. But even that death, and the people who so firmly proclaim that death was defeated, have not been able to make the radical change that is needed so that people. Stop. Dying.

Mercy. Mercy. Mercy.

God doesn’t fit in your suitcase

June 15, 2016

“God’s Kingdom is Here” Luke 10:1-9 & Matthew 28:18-20Sermon to Williamson’s Chapel UMC on June 12, 2016

(carrying a heavy suitcase up to the chancel area)

Phew!

That’s heavy. 

Alright, I hope I have everything I need… it sure feels like I’ve packed enough, but one can never be certain. I like to be prepared for anything. 

This is the suitcase I took with me to Kenya, and I’ve carried it just about everywhere since. You’d think I’d’ve learned to pack lighter with all that travel experience. 

But I never know what I will run into. 

So, to be sure, I make sure I have everything that I might need that I can carry. And carry is a relative term.  

Especially for the work I do… this ministry thing, I’ve got to have Bibles, and commentaries, and leadership manuals, and devotionals, and prayer resources, and poetry compilations, and novels, and my entire div school seminary library. I’ve got to be ready. 

I’m doing God’s Work!

I’m sharing God!

I’ve got to bring God to the people!

There’s something about that, though. 

When you’ve traveled, have you ever lost something? or, the ultimate speed bump in travel, have you ever had your bag lost when you arrive somewhere? 
Especially when I went to Kenya, I made sure I had every essential in my carry on, because I knew that I couldn’t just pop into the local Wal-Mart or Target if they lost my bag… The local Nakumatt only goes so far. 
But in thinking about that, I remembered something from the first night of my most recent trip to Kenya. Our leader, the director of the Umoja Project, the partnership I interned with, Ellen Daniels-Howell, shared a truth with us as we were thinking about our arrival that still makes me stop and think. 
What if we had lost our bags? I think in a previous trip she had, and in reflecting on that experience, what if we didn’t have anything we brought with us? Could we still do our work? would we still be able to continue the ministry we were planning to start off on? 
It’s easy for us to think that as people doing ministry, that we bring God to the people we are in ministry with. 
But God doesn’t work that way. 

I don’t need to make sure I have space for God in my suitcase. 

I don’t have to make sure that God is on my packing list. 

I don’t have to make sure that I’m perfect enough to bring God with me. 
Because God is already here. 

God is already doing work.

And God will continue to do work after we leave. 
That’s the definition of Prevenient Grace: God is already present and at work in the world and in the hearts and minds of everyone around us. 
Now. That doesn’t let any of us off the hook. 

We still have an enormous amount of work we need to do in order to partner with the work that God is already doing. 

The ministry we do helps those who do not know God to see God at work in their lives. 
But we don’t carry God with us in our suitcases,God doesn’t wait to show up until we do, and we surely don’t have control over where God can and will work in this world. 
And I think Jesus is teaching a similar lesson in our Scripture here today. 
Luke 10:1-9 (CEB)

After these things, 

 the Lord commissioned seventy-two others 

 and sent them on ahead in pairs 

 to every city and place he was about to go. 

Jesus said to them, 

“The harvest is bigger than you can imagine, 

 but there are few workers. 

Therefore, plead with the Lord of the harvest 

 to send out workers for his harvest. 

Go! 

Be warned, though, 

 that I’m sending you out as lambs among wolves. 

Carry no wallet, no bag, and no sandals. 

Don’t even greet anyone along the way. 

Whenever you enter a house, first say, 

 ‘May peace be on this house.’ 

If anyone there shares God’s peace, 

 then your peace will rest on that person. 

If not, your blessing will return to you. 

Remain in this house, 

 eating and drinking whatever they set before you, 

 for workers deserve their pay. 

Don’t move from house to house. 

Whenever you enter a city and its people welcome you, 

 eat what they set before you. 

Heal the sick who are there, and say to them, 

 ‘God’s kingdom has come upon you.’”
Jesus is expanding his ministry, and is sending out messengers who are preparing the fields for the harvest. It makes me wonder what they are doing for this kingdom harvest. Perhaps they are surveying the land or tilling the fields, maybe they are checking water sources or learning the terrain. They are preparing the people to hear the message of God’s kingdom from Jesus. 
You’ve probably heard one of the lines of this story before: “the harvest is plentiful, but the workers are few” in songs like Bringing in the Sheaves and Come, Ye Thankful People, Come. God encourages all of us to bear fruit and participate in an abundant harvest. 
I am much more interested today in his instructions to his stalwart travelers. 
We’ve got a good group of scouts in this church, what is one of the first things that they teach you?

The girl scout in me is very glad that he sends them out in the buddy system. That’s Great. That’s fabulous.
However, as a girl scout I was taught to always BE PREPARED. 
Jesus’s instructions here make me incredibly nervous. Go, he says, Empty-handed! Don’t carry anything with you!
And they’re not supposed to bring anything extra! 
Not even an extra pair of sandals, even though they will be doing all of this travel on foot! 

As someone who has traveled dusty roads all day on foot before, that’s really taking a risk. 

Or at least it is if you are still thinking in the way that makes you travel with a bag as heavy as this one. 
Jesus is asking them to do something daring. 

Because Jesus doesn’t end the instructions there. No, Jesus still has their back and a plan for their livelihood. He shares with them how to do the ministry of the message of God’s Kingdom. 
Go, he says. Go, and bring blessings on the house that you enter, saying “May Peace be on this house.” And if the peace is already there, then your peace will be shared. 
That gives me chills. If God’s Peace is already there. stay. remain. bless and heal the sick. Basically, do the ministry that I am sending you to do, where God is already at work. Jesus tells the commissioned workers to go with empty hands and full hearts into the work that he is preparing for them. 
The commissioned pairs are serving as God’s instruments of peace where God is already at work. It’s incredibly important work, and it is work that they do by partnering with God. 
They enter the house with empty hands and do the fulfilling work set before them. 
This is also the work we are called to do. 
For those of us who are pastors, we are called to do it as our job. But each of us are all called and sent out to carry God’s word to the world.
These are the instructions we received after Jesus rose from the dead in the Great Commission:
Matthew 28:18-20 (CEB)

Jesus came near and spoke to them, “I’ve received all authority in heaven and on earth. Therefore, go and make disciples of all nations, baptizing them in the name of the Father and of the Son and of the Holy Spirit, teaching them to obey everything that I’ve commanded you. Look, I myself will be with you every day until the end of this present age.” 
Jesus says he will be with us—teaching us— leading us out to ALL THE WORLD where God is already at work. 

God is active, God is preparing the Kingdom. God has planted and prepared the fields. 
The harvest is plentiful. The fruit of God’s kingdom is already here. Our work is to help people get it from the farm to the table.
We don’t have to fit God into our suitcases and bring God with us. God is already here, wherever we are in ministry. 
And in my time here at Williamson’s Chapel United Methodist Church, I have seen the presence of God continuously, particularly in the way that you have welcomed me, but also in the way that this church is involved in vibrant and thriving ministry. It is especially through your hospitality that I have seen the way that you have lived out this particular scripture. 
And I am more than a little like one of these commissioned disciples. Because I have been welcomed into this house of worship and lived into ministry here, I have experienced God’s peace, and like the commissioned travelers, my time here is short, and I will be leaving soon. 

At the end of the month, I’m going to go be at home with Rebekah full time. I’m going to go be her mom. I will be hanging my preachers clothes up in the closet, saving them for later, and go sit in the pews for a little while. 

But that doesn’t let me off the hook for doing the ministry of sharing the news of the kingdom of God with those around me. 
See, later in the chapter all those who were sent out returned to Jesus, amazed at the work they had done through the power of God. And Jesus said that they were especially blessed because they had seen God actively at work through them. 
I have witnessed God’s presence here. I have seen God work through the way that you have loved and cared for me, my husband John, and my daughter, Rebekah. 

I have seen God work through the incredible hospitality and generosity that you practice during Share Christmas. 

I have seen God work through preparing over Thirty Thousand meals with Stop Hunger Now. 

I have seen God work through the dozens of Bible Studies that take place here all throughout the week, and the fantastic music ministry that happens here, and the way that the preschool cares for the little ones, and I could keep on going. 
I have seen God’s Kingdom at work here. God’s Kingdom has truly come upon you. 
It was here long before I showed up, and it will be here long after I leave. 
And so, while my work will no longer be here, God is still working on the Kingdom here, enabling you to change lives and change the world. 
We do important work here, but we cannot change the world by remaining between these walls, and only talking about God when we are here. 

Don’t get distracted by the amount of work we do here so much so that it keeps us from missing the point of our work. 

What we do here prepares us to partner with God at work in the world. 

We go out, sharing God’s peace with those we meet, finding the Kingdom of God already at work in the world. We point to God acting in the world.
This last month we had our United Methodist General Conference. You may have heard some of the news out of Portland. The news was not all uplifting. 

But there was something that our Kids got to do that was uplifting. 
Our Kids created these cards as part of a project from our conference. The delegates were given these cards along with meal tickets to a local mission agency that is active in Portland. The delegates were encouraged to give them to the folks they met on the street, so that those less fortunate should get a good meal and see the church in action. 
One of the reserve delegates, Leanne Burris, wrote about an experience she had while she was in town for the conference. 

She was sitting at a spot to power her laptop, and a guy walks over and asks if he can charge his phone there too. 

They get to talking, and he asks if she knows about the church meeting there. She says she’s part of it, and asks if he goes to church. 

“No,” he responds, “Do I look like I go to church?” 

Why not? 

“Because going there doesn’t change anything for me. My life still has problems. I asked God to help my problems, but I got worse problems. So, I just do my life. And sometimes I have too much fun you know, and sometimes I get in trouble. But whatever. It’s my life.”

She asks: “So did you expect Got to fix your problems when you prayed?”

He replies: “No, I mean I made those choices. I got to take responsibility for my life, you know. But God don’t make things easier, and it would be harder to try to be all good for God and stuff.”

She says: “What if God just wanted to forgive you and be your friend?”

Silence.

Again, she says: “What if God just wanted to forgive you and be your friend? 

Stunned, he replied, ”I don’t even know what to think about that. Forgive me for what?”
They continued talking about how God can change us, and help us live into the good choices that God wants for us. 
And then, he let her pray for him right there. And she asked if she could keep praying for him. 

As they parted ways, she gave him one of these cards so that he could go have a warm meal and be where ministry is happening and ready to receive him. And who knows what changes have happened in his life since that conversation a month ago. 
Leanne had her eyes open to the Kingdom of God and the opportunity to share good news. 
Sometimes the work of the Kingdom of God is across the country, and sometimes it is right next door. 

Denise Addington was sharing with us around the same time at Staff Lunch about a recent conversation with one of her new neighbors. (And yes, I have gotten permission to share this story of hers with you.)
There was a couple that they had not gotten to know all that well, and Denise and her husband Scott had just finished work on their deck in the back yard and so they invited the neighbors to come have a conversation and enjoy the new deck. 

In that conversation, the husband shares that he is an Atheist. And that’s a bit surprising, if anything, for someone to share in a first conversation. But, I know Denise. and I know that she has such grace and such excitement for the way that God continues to work in her life… That I pray that as Denise and all the Addingtons share God’s blessing and Peace, that their neighbors will see that God is at work in the world, and in their lives. 
You are called to Go Out. 
Because wherever you go, whatever you do, God is there before you, encouraging you in your work, sharing peace with all who meet you, using your hands and feet to fill and feed the world with the fullness of the Glory of God.

In the name of the Father, Son, and Holy Spirit. Amen.

Need Joy?

April 21, 2016

“Anyone getting another cup of coffee?”

“Well, I’ve already had two, so I don’t need it.”

“Ok, just make eight cups.”

“But. … Well… I might want another…”

“Better make it ten.”

“Kathy had filter through her thoughts to discern the difference between want and need.”

 

That was the scene yesterday morning. Did I need another cup of coffee? Well… not so much. But did I want it? It turns out, yes. Yes indeed. It was a good call.

Most decisions that I make are based on want. I have generally all the material things that I need. But surely I want much more. I could write about minimalism and the benefits of an uncluttered life… but I wrote this on my birthday. And so I got things that I am happy about. I may not have necessarily needed any of them. But, now that I have them, they each have something that brings me joy.

Joy now. Joy is something that I always need.

When Joy is in spare supply, life is dreary. Simple and mundane tasks become onerous chores. The To-Do list never slims down. Conversations are short and patience is shorter. I’m weary when my joy is limited.

But when Joy is abundant, everything changes. Energy blossoms. Creativity blooms. Tasks are conquerable. Complex work is accomplished. And I have energy to spare.

I can’t really schedule it, when Joy is overflowing or when it is sparing. But there are things I can do, I can place in my life that bring me joy. For instance, I love wearing scarves, and so when I pick one out, I am thinking about where it came from, conversations that I have had because of them, and ways that I have been changed because of them. They are simple pieces of cloth. I don’t really need them most of the time unless it is winter. But they bring me joy.

I look for other things like my scarves to bring me joy when I need it. When I have joy, I need to share it with others, and it grows. Thank you for making my life more filled with joy.

Philosophical Hugs

February 18, 2016
IMG_1859

I think my daughter hugged me for the first time today. Waking up, she makes noises to let us know that she is ready to be not in bed any more so I went in to go get her before we left for the morning. I unzipped her blanket and drew her into my arms up out of the crib. And she held on to me.

She’s kind of done this before, but this time was different. It felt more intentional. She held on, reaching around me, and it wasn’t grasping or a desperate holding on when she pinches the skin of my neck and clutches to me.

She embraced me.

My husband and I are her mainstays. We care for her, talk to her, change her, feed her, provide her with everything she needs as soon as we can figure out what she needs. We are the strong center that she calls for when she gets cold or wet or hungry or lonely. We protect her from falling when she rolls, we hold her safe, and we carry her through the day. She trusts us.

I’ve never been trusted like this.

Granted, I’ve never been able to provide so much for a single person. My daughter depends on me. It’s been a wonderful journey watching her develop her agency. She’s developed control over her hands and her feet and her mouth and her voice and her body. Soon she will be able to do more than roll to where she wants to go as she learns to crawl and to walk. I knew being a parent was cool, I didn’t realize that it would be this full of so many new things. I didn’t imagine that I would get philosophical about a hug from this morning. But here I am, in awe of this human being who is learning who she is just as much as we are learning who our daughter is.

We named her, but she is becoming her own person.

Now, I know that all of you who have raised children of your own have had your own experiences that either relate or sound utterly dissonant. And I know that I sound a bit dewey-eyed about this little human being that has entered my world. I’m sure part of this is due to sleep deprivation. However, this little rebel continues to draw me out of myself, teaching me how to love someone unconditionally. I’m learning how to be a better wife and a better pastor in the mix. I’m learning a little something about God’s love as well. God, who loves us, watches us develop our agency and how we learn to get up and walk, either away or towards a deeper relationship with God. I look forward to the time when I can embrace God and trust God like a child trusts her mother.

In the meantime, I cherish the tiny moments when I get the slobbery half kisses. And that is good.

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