Am I allowed to ask myself what I want? I have been taught that I should not want things, that needs are fine and that it is necessary to supply basic needs, but that everything else is a gift from God. When we want something, what does it mean?
Desires could also be a gift from God, and truly if we are in right relationship with our creator, we then can ask for those things which are right for us. How do we discern then, what things are those which we want through God, and those things that we want through the sin that lives within us? When sin has become such a part of our lives that it is as natural as breath, we tend to want those things that separate, divide, and break us apart. Too often I desire that which is not healthy.
Equally fighting for a voice in my head is the voice of the right desire. The desire to serve others, to have a stronger community, to be open with friends. Surely that is a right desire, a good and joyful thing always and everywhere, to give thanks to you, God, the father almighty. You formed us in your image and breathed into us the breath of life. So why do I still want that which will make it harder for me to breathe?
Surely the silly petty wants that I have are not worthy for you to even look at or consider. If they are of such small importance as my want to have clothes that fit or more green vegetables, they cannot be sinful desires, can they? And what about those wants I have to grow in deeper relationship with others? Surely that is what you want, God, right? If I want a better community, that is what you have been striving for, isn’t it? When you sent your son to die, wasn’t it to make the Church? Can I join you in making your Church more like the Body you would have it to be? What if I want to do it my way? Yeah, I didn’t think so.
There are things I do want that I am pretty sure are in alignment with your will, a deeper intimacy and study of your word, but I also want to be able to form my own opinion of those things that you have taught me, I want to argue with them. Help me understand what I should want.
That is my desire.