QUIET

(Inspired by Talking to Grief: Denise Levertov)

Let me take you in and let you become a part of me. For I am convinced that you cannot be convinced to leave, and since you must be here, you might as well be made comfortable. Then we can respect each other. I am afraid of dogs. I was, in my past. They were going to hurt me, I knew it. And so you will hurt me if you grow much more hungry.

The dilemma is now either feeding you, and making you stronger, but making you my friend, or keeping you destitute, so that when it comes time to drive you away it is much easier, because you are so weak. But you are a part of me and so I cannot hurt you except by hurting myself.

And I am already hurting so much.

I have been left by the one I always hid behind, and so I want to hide behind you. I should make you stronger, so that I can have something more substantial to block the interrupted stares as I glance around. I cannot bear to see you grow any closer, but you already share so much of me. You have taken over and will continue to take over what I did not even know I could relinquish.

Stop screaming silently in my ear!

I cannot hear anything but you. Get out of my head. You constantly revise your mantra. If you would only keep it the same so I could tune it out. Then I could say, oh, right, that’s you, I know how to stop that. But you always change. And I think that there is hope in the difference, but I only continue to drop deeper into despair.

Sinking.

Slipping deeper below the surface.

If I get far enough below the surface I will just be crushed, and that means that you will be crushed out of me. And then you will be silent.

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