I Wonder

I’m wondering about what is going to happen next. On my Google calendar I have the next three and a half months laid out, with plans and times of rest and times when I get to play. And after that is a    big   open   s p a c e.

I don’t know what is going to happen next. I don’t know where I will be living, or how far I will have to drive to my community where I will be involved in ministry. I don’t know. And so, I am wondering.

I like filling in the boxes. I like having my ideas planned out and knowing where I will be going next. I want to know how I am going to do in the new place I am going to be. Will I have support? Will I have a place where the community supports each other, or a place where it seems more important to put others down so you can go on to higher places yourself?

Regardless of whether I go to where there is a staff of fifteen, or a congregation of fifteen, I want to be open to working God’s purpose and plan.

It is scary, putting myself out there to go wherever someone tells me to go. Nerve wracking, actually. I fear getting to a place that has no grace, that expects me to know exactly what to do, and how to do it, and when to pray for the offering plates.

I fear being judged.

And I wonder why.

Most churches, if they know I am just beginning, will give me grace. If I am lucky, they will both want to help me learn, and will want to learn from me. It is not as though I have no experience. It is not as though I have never done some of the most basic parts of worship, and worship leadership. It’s not as though I haven’t done it without the help of another pastor. Only I haven’t. Not really. All my other church experiences have been in a carefully supervised learning environment. I’ve been blessed by great supervisors who helped me learn and encouraged me to grow. And now I wonder if I will ever have that again.

I can’t do it alone.

Ministry only works in community. And I can only truly worship in a place where the community gathers with grace surrounding it. Praise God, because the Holy Spirit provides that grace that flows through, in, and around us as we worship. I desire to enter that worship space and I look forward to that time when I will be filled with the spirit.

I want to lead.

I want to learn.

I wonder what that will look like.

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2 thoughts on “I Wonder”

    1. Thank you, I really appreciate hearing you say that. (or would it be “reading you write that”…)

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