Gaps in my Heart

I think I’m missing something. I know there must be a hole or a gap or a vacant spot or a lacunae somewhere, but I don’t know where it is and so I don’t know how to begin looking for it and so I don’t know how to remedy the situation.

I’m pretty sure I’m biased.

I am deeply concerned about this. I’m concerned about my own bias because I am sure that it has been affecting how I think about those who disagree with me. It’s become more than merely thinking that those who think differently than me are wrong. I have gone so far into this thinking that I believe that they are misguided, blinded, ill-informed, dupes in a cosmic parody.

It’s not healthy.

My thinking is not healthy not only because I think I’m right, I have gone so far as to refuse to be in conversation with those who think differently with me. I am creating my own echo-chamber. I am creating a prison for my mind.

And I am missing out on seeing the image of God in others. I am missing out on the full representation of the body of Christ.

I am sinning. My bias is leading me to sin more.

I don’t want to be this way.

Changing my heart will not be easy. I cannot do it on my own. Like I said, there is a gaping hole somewhere and I have yet to identify the location.

I was offended recently by someone and it disturbed me so much that I wept deep into the night. I grieved that I was not able to speak to the offense. But even more deeply, I grieved that I struggle with seeing the offender as created in the image of God.

I lost compassion for them. It scared me. Their actions concerned me, but my reaction to them concerned me even more. If I can be affected like this and think like this, then what hope do I have to learn to be better?

It would be much more easy to return to my blissful ignorance than to work hard to move past my own biases to see the full image of the person in front of me. My love isn’t big enough. My heart isn’t open enough. I need to look through the eyes of Christ in order to love and see deeply enough.

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