Its a little meta, but I am being good enough at having grace for myself.
I’ve been listening to a lot of Kate Bowler’s Podcast, Everything Happens and her main point is that there’s no winning at life. She asks: what happens when you can’t “live your best life now” and really does a great job at deflating that concept in the first place.
It’s really healthy for me to listen to.
Because I’m not what I considered to be an over-achiever, and I really didn’t think that I was obsessed with perfection or anything, but because I picked up some messages along the way that excellence was the only measuring tool for accomplishments, and I also keep thinking I have to accomplish something or my life isn’t worth something.
Which is all shit, by the way.
I don’t need to publish a book in order to be a full person.
I don’t need a raise to show that my call to ministry is valid.
I don’t need to cook a particular diet of food to prove that I understand nutrition and all it’s facets, and I don’t have to get every new recipe perfect the first time I try it.
I don’t need to spend at least three hours a day outside with my kids a day to be a good parent.
I don’t need to attend every protest in a hundred mile radius to be a good advocate for justice.
I don’t need to lose those ten or fifteen pounds that I lost when I was significantly unhealthy and unable to care for my body well. (That wasn’t a healthy body… it just looked like it could have been. Or maybe what normative/opressive beauty norms say are right.)
I don’t need to have sex every night with my husband to be in a healthy, committed, romantic relationship with him.
I don’t need to keep up with twenty people and know how they are to the depths of their souls in order to have friendships and connections with my community.
Sometimes the pictures are misleading. (Scratch that.) The pictures can only ever show a part. And there are some things that will never be able to be captured in a photo still.
Life isn’t a series of stills stitched together linearly to describe a progression.
Life can be cyclical. Life can be dark. Life can be found in the quiet moments. Life can be found in an expression and glance exchanged over the dinner table.
I think I feel like sometime soon someone is going to ask me what I want to do with my life, and I want to say, this… but… maybe with a particular thing added. But if I add something, it’s not because this, whatever this is, isn’t enough. It will be different. The balance will shift, an exchange will be made, and I will figure out a new pattern with the people I live my life with.
And I want to begin what ever I start doing with the expectation up front that I am not trying to be perfect, but I am endeavoring to be whole.
But first, I think I’m going to go eat another cookie and get another sticky hug from Roar.