This is the Sound of Silence

Simon and Garfunkel ring in my ear when I think of silence. I can sit in silence. I can sit in silence for a very long time.

Silence is a part of worship that we are sometimes too busy for. As westerners, we are so busy, so animated, so distracted, that any attempt at silence takes a while to settle. I was in a worship setting recently, and the leader led a moment of silence. It took a while before the fidgeting and rustling quieted down, and we actually entered true silence. And then… we were silent. As we were silent, we were in worship together. A worship where words and pitch and tone and order did not matter. We were waiting to receive God.

Silence can make us uncomfortable, though. It’s one of the reasons we took so much time to settle down before our worship space came to be still. There were still the sounds of hearts and breaths and the gentle hummm of a building in wintertime. But our words were silent. Our mouths were silent. We were in the presence of God, and there were no audible ways for us to compare ourselves to each other. There’s not a “right” way to do silence in worship.

But what about silence outside of worship? How does it work? I like to say that I can sit in silence and wait for someone else to talk. That waiting helps sometimes to bring someone else to the place where they would like to be. But, sometimes, in a big group, there is no space for that. Other things become more important, and we like to think that a lively conversation is the most valuable part of the time.

But. What about silence? What about letting those who usually don’t have the gumption to interrupt, speak?

The Bad Foot Blues

my foot hurts…. my foot hurts… oh my foot.

 

duh-na-ne-na-ne

early one morning, duh-na-ne-na-ne

or was it late at night, duh-na-ne-na-ne

I was tossin’ and turning, duh-na-ne-na-ne

with no sleep in sight.

 

I said I could stand it, duh-na-ne-na-ne

but it was a bit rough, duh-na-ne-na-ne

my foot kept on hurtin’, duh-na-ne-na-ne

oh what a bad rub!

 

this foot, this foot, just won’t stop a achin’, duh-na-ne-na-ne

you’d think it was bored, duh-na-ne-na-ne

for every time that I’m breathing, duh-na-ne-na-ne

it always seems worse!

 

my foot is just achin’

just achin’ it goes.

this foot just keeps achin’.

right down to my toes.

Psalm 18

The Lord lives! Blessed be my rock,
and exalted be the God of my salvation,
the God who gave me vengeance
and subdued peoples under me;
who delivered me from my enemies;
indeed, you exalted me above my adversaries;
you delivered me from the violent.
Psalm 18:46-48

O, God is gracious.
O, God is good.
God, you have provided to me more than I could imagine.
God, you have opened up streams in the midst of the wilderness,
Fountains in the midst of the barren desert.
God, your goodness flows out and washes over me.
I was dry, I was barren, I was empty,
You provided for me.
God, you give hope in the midst of the darkness,
At Midnight I can feel the warmth of your Son.
God, your deliverance washed over me,
It overtook me in ways that I would never have imagined.
God, I love your people.
You have created us for your glory.
My greatest desire is to worship you with your people.
God, you are amazing.
God, you are the rock that keeps me steady.
God you are the foundation for me in the midst of the storm.
God, I love you, more than I know.
Amen.

Home Is

Home is the place where you are comfortable.

Home is where you go to be yourself.

Home is rest, and comfort, and peace.

We travelled a bit this holiday season, so that we could be with our family. It was a set of two very different experiences. One was a trip to a place where—granted, I didn’t grow up—but I had been before, and we didn’t really go out, but we stayed in, watching movies, resting, taking time to be together. The second was a bit more active, we travelled to a place where I had not spent any time at (a least as an adult) and we hit all the major tourist spots, ate out every single meal (at really great restaurants!) and yet, still had time to be with each other, and be together, and share.

Both sets of travel were the same exact length of days and even the same exact days themselves, just one week apart.

On Monday, we toured a house. You may have heard of it, we toured the Biltmore. It was 5 stories high, and built over a hundred years ago by a 33 year old bachelor. In room after room we saw new things, new spaces, new rules, new decorations, and extravagance upon extravagance. It took us Four Hours to see the whole place. As I hobbled along, I could appreciate the beauty, the creativity, the detail, but it also was more than anyone would actually need. It was not as big as Versailles, but it reminded me of it, as a copy, a trial to see just how big the owner could make this place. The place where someone lived and many people visited, has now become a practical museum. It didn’t feel like a home to me. My favorite room was one hiding off and away, looking over the grounds, but hidden, where people would have to be specific to go to. While we were there, it was filled with people, but I don’t really want to think about what it could have been like when people lived there… Cold. Empty. Echoing. A new outfit every two hours to go with the custom. And no home.

I’d rather be warm, with people I love, and not fancy at all. That would be home.

Waiting For…

We wait for many things. There are many things to wait for: Christmas, children to be born, people to arrive, holidays to come, etc. I’m waiting for surgery for my foot. I postponed it until the new year so that I was able to actually be relatively mobile through the holidays, and also so that the cost and insurance would all be in the same year, since surgery and everything associated with it are not cheap, and insurance is one of those things that has its own rules.

But, in the midst of the waiting, is where I must continue to walk and stand and use this foot that is not well. It’s not very much fun. I manage, I wear my walking boot that I am thankful I already have. I sit with my foot propped up. I try to do less, but that doesn’t quite work as well as it could. And, I wait.

I have a lot of patience. Or, really it might be that I am just fiercely tenacious. I stick things through for so very long, regardless of what they are. Even though I am frustrated, and I can’t stand or walk without pain, I need to do these things, and so I do. I am in the midst of a limbo, and I was given permission to do what I could, so until I have surgery, and it becomes vital that I do less so that I can heal, I will do what I can in the midst of my ministry.

I’ll stick it out. I’ll keep going on. I have folks that support me and will help me in my work, and so I will remain faithful to my calling. This month I learned some of my limits, but I also learned who can help support me while I stretch those limits. I don’t plan on breaking, and I won’t be adding that to my schedule, but I do know that I’ll keep on stretching up and out in the midst of my call. I just won’t be going very fast… a walking boot walks kinda slow.

December Solstice

Last night was the Solstice. It passed while I was asleep, so I didn’t do anything special to celebrate. I think my foot can tell it’s Winter. The first day of Winter, and the high is going to be near 70 degrees. Something about that just doesn’t seem quite right. It must be colder in this house than outside, but it will warm up eventually… I’m baking cookies.

So, this winter, I am not really looking forward to major surgery, but I suppose I am looking forward to healing from it.

Winter

The silence of freshly fallen snow
and delicate snowflakes caught in eyelashes.
Brightly lit Christmas trees
and other decorations fill the night
with light and wonder.
Trees
stark in the cold
without the color of the leaves
that grace their frame in other seasons.
The dash of evergreen,
and the promise of fullness
in the berries of the holly.
Fresh baked cookies
and cakes
and puddings
and other delectable delights
fill the house with wonderful sweet memories.

Making New Memories

This is what I get to do, in my first year of marriage. Together we build our own traditions and a new shared memory of the holiday season. The tree is up, there are decorations in the house, and it’s beginning to smell a lot like Christmas.

Though we’ve spent a good deal of other holidays together, this is the first actual Christmas that we will be together. We still have to work, but after we come back from worship, we will be able to spend it all together.

And, my favorite part, we get to worship together on Christmas Eve. This may be what I am most excited about. I love this time, the expectation that comes from being together on this day that anticipates a new day. The anticipation and the very nearness of coming time fill me with joy. We do get to celebrate that it is the time now, and the time is coming soon.

Oh, how we wait, and prepare in the time of the waiting. We cook and clean and decorate and wear different clothes and have times when we gather to share time together.

Christmas feels that it is already here, but not quite yet. Christ has come, but not yet.

Two Minutes

*Static* *Feedback* “Hello? Testing…”

The whole world is listening… I have two minutes, what do I say in two minutes? Translators are standing by for the people who do not understand English.

The beauty pageant answer is “world peace” but that is not helpful.

The health worker answer is wash your hands and drink clean water, but that is not going to change for those who do not have access to clean water.

The evangelist answer is that Jesus is the savior of the world, repent and turn to God, but faith is sprouted and grown out of relationship, and people need to know love before they can have trust.

So, what do I say?

Love anyway?

Trust?

Don’t gossip?

Be good unto others as you would have them do unto you?

What is tearing this world apart? Is it war? We can see the way that war has torn families and nations apart.

But, what lies beneath it? How would one bring peace?

Peace be with you.

And the way to peace? How do we get there? Peace comes… through justice.

Do justice, love mercy, walk humbly with our God. (Micah 6:8).

Instead of cutting each other down, to make ourselves feel better, we should instead work to build each other up. Listen to each other without planning what to say next. Love those with you, and love your enemies.

The sermon on the mount made some sense.

But I only have two minutes.

Look after the little ones. Care for the sick.

See people. Especially the ones you have been ignoring.

Walk together.

Justice only comes when those who are oppressed have enough. We have enough in the world, but many of us squander it, and hoard it. Give it up. Live freely. Love freely. Be patient. And find peace.

To The Finish

To finish a book, we presume means to read it through from page one to the final page. From left to right, straight through. To finish it.

And so when the question is raised, “do you feel obligated to finish all the books you start reading,” it’s asking if you feel guilty if you don’t read them all straight through, from left to right.

Well, that would be one way to finish a book.

And, quite frankly, no. I don’t feel obligated to finish a book like that. There are some occasions when I have had to give a book up early, for assorted reasons, and I have felt that I should not have done so. But for the most part, I am actually quite finished with most books I have quit reading.

Because, really, the question of finishing is more about the closure, rather than coming to the close. And, most books that I have ceased reading have found their closure. Whether I read them to the final chapter, or I finally decided that they were not worth my time.

I am usually finished. One note, however, because I cannot help but to wonder whether the question is for books for pleasure, or books for work and school. I am much more likely to finish a book that I have picked out for pleasure, rather than a book that I am supposed to read for school. For school, I can skim to the relevant parts, and then be able to raise the relevant questions. The only problem with that is that I got so used to reading for pleasure, that I really do like hearing a whole argument.

A book for pleasure, on the other hand, is much easier to drop if it is not a classic or entertaining me. If I have failed to be captured by the narrative, whether fiction or nonfiction, then after fifty pages, I am free to relinquish the book and any hold or obligation it might have on me.

Any truly good book never gets finished. Good books, if they are truly good, make you come back to the storyline again and again, as you think about the way that the characters interact and the truth that underlies the narrative. Those books never finish with you. Those books cannot merely be put down, even if they are packed away in a box for ten years. Those books, those that capture you, are those that have no obligation but a promise. A promise that the story continues, wherever you go.

Looking

Don’t look back, then you will never be able to walk straight.

Keep your face to the race before you, so that you will not be hindered.

Look forward to the new idea, it is not the things that are behind you that are going to surprise.

no looking back

Really? Don’t look back? Why not? Don’t we learn things by looking back? Isn’t how we acquire wisdom by considering the things of the past and listening to the past and waiting and watching for what is coming? Does tradition help with nothing?

Traditions from the past do inspire our present and our future. We learn from those who have gone before and we honor their memory. Our saints did good work.

And, also, there are those before us who have done things of which we are ashamed. Christians can always use the Crusades if they are feeling a little full of themselves. But there are other things, like assumptions that we make, and the way that we can turn people away from us without really meaning to.

I know we don’t want to turn back to that, but don’t we need to remember it? Isn’t it important to pay attention to what we have done in the past, for good and for evil, so that we can continue to strive to work for good?

walking above the clouds

As we continue to find new ways to reach out to others and to reach up to the higher purpose, we need to remember what has and who has gone before us.

It is our traditions that make us strong. It is also our ability to forgive and to learn that makes us strong.

As I continue to learn from my mistakes, and as I continue to make them, I have to look back on them so that I can try to learn from the every time. But, it is true, if I spent my whole time considering my mistakes, then I would never get anywhere.

Spending your entire time considering and dwelling on your mistakes only leads to misery.

What we do, is we do not turn back to them. Or we hope that we have the strength to not turn back to them. It can be the hardest thing to see the mistakes that we have made, and move on from them. If we continue to stay stuck in the mistakes, then we will grow stagnant and reek of death.

The balance to find is to look back, learn from the past, and move on to the future, carrying with us the good things of the past, and learning from everything else. For that, there would be no turning back. And the looking back would only be so that we can set our sights even further forward on the road.

Five Thanks

Share five things you’re thankful for.

five things. five fingers.

1. I am thankful that I have a husband who loves me. He lets me be silly and serious and sometimes even silent. He is strong and steady and steers us in good directions.

I am Thankful.

2. I am thankful for the opportunity to serve two churches. We learn from each other. I am thankful that we can laugh and sing and cry together. As I continue to learn more about each individual, I hope that we can become even more connected as a Church.

I am Thankful.

3. I am thankful for a family that loves me. I can get busy and forget to call, and there they are, calling me and loving me anyway. I am looking forward to having them all here for the holiday of thanks, I am thankful that I have a space where I can host them all and share my home with them.

I am Thankful.

4. I am thankful that I hurt. This one may sound strange, but after I injured myself, I wanted to get better fast. That proved to be an impossibility, so I have come to appreciate how my injury and complications have changed me. I am thankful that I have been kept slower, and that I have a way to keep things steady. I am not looking forward to surgery, and rolling around for 6 weeks, but I am looking forward to the healing that will come after that.

I am Thankful.

5. I am thankful for the grace I have received in Christ. Sometimes I don’t feel like there is enough grace in the world. It is as if the world thinks that they can preserve the grace for themselves, and so don’t have to share it. But grace does not work that way. Grace is like love, it grows when it is shared. In Christ, grace abounds. Grace is a forgiveness even if you don’t have the strength to forgive. Grace is loving them anyway. I know that I have done plenty to deserve the worst, but because of the free gift of forgiveness and love from God, because of grace, I can live in peace. I can rest in Grace.

I am Thankful.

I am thankful for many things. I am hopeful for many things. I wonder, what are you thankful for? How have you seen new things to be thankful for this year? What changes have happened in your life that can be changed into blessings? Strength comes from God, and God helps you grow in that strength.