restriction

All I want to do right now is write in my blog. I have so much I want to say. But I have entirely too much other writing to do for school right now. So I must restrict my philosophical flow.

On the bright side, if all I did was write and not learn, then I would continue to write in circles, and reading this would cease to be interesting and my writing would cease to be stimulating.

So, I’ll write later. Ahh, Christmas break will be such fun.

Is Anyone There?

When do you ask that?

It’s dark and you cannot see.

The door is lighting you from behind and your shadow is stretching out in front of you. There are obstructions in the way. The rooms are not all open to each other. You are not expecting someone to be there, but you must ask, just in case.

But what if there is someone there, and they do not want to answer? Is that better or worse? Are they afraid, or going to hurt you?

Such great questions, and no great answers.

Am I hiding when someone asks me if I am there? Am I really there? Am I present for my friends who need me to listen to them? Am I disengaging my thoughts from the present circumstance to gloss over the stress that is about to roar over me? Will I stay? Will I go? Will I even be able to answer, even if I want to? Will I be there? Can I stand? Will anyone join me? Is it going to work? Is what going to work? Is it broken? What are we talking about anyway?

 

Is anyone there?

I want the answer to be yes. And the answerer to be the one that I need to take me into comforting arms that do not let me get lost again. There I am.

Psalm 55

Why is it so hard for me to write about my prayer and petition. I want to write about some full desire that calls into mind the greatness of the power of God, and the strength that comes from following the precepts of the Lord. Prayers for the peace of the world, and petitions for unity in my community.

But all I can think abut is how I want to be done with the next three assignments I have due, and figure out some other stuff. I want my life to be in order and organized, and to know exactly what is in the plans that God has laid out for me. Even though I know that is not the way it works. We have the grace of flexibility and the freedom of working in the bounds of God’s will.

Though I want to write about the grand philosophical scheme of the one who hurts and intercedes for the people, I cannot do that all the time. I want to leave that to Jesus. He did it, why do I have to do it?

That’s what my disciples do, they follow my example.

Yes Jesus, but it is so hard sometimes.

That is why I gave you the Holy Spirit, so that you may be able to follow me. I never promised you that it would be easy, why do you expect that you will be able to give anything less than your whole life? You cannot serve two (or three or forty-two) gods. Come and join me in the way that leads to life. Only then will you see my children the way I do, in a way that cannot avoid the hurting or look beyond those who are inconvenient.

But God, that takes time. I have papers and exams and relationships and celebrations and life to attend to.

Do you not think that I will celebrate your life with you? Do you not think that I gave you these things to do because I know that you can do them? It is the struggle that I have given you which is teaching you to rely on me. Sooner or later you will realize that you must rely on me to accomplish the things I have laid out for you.

God, I thought I had already learned that lesson, it feels like I’m doing remedial work.

Well, you could have been done, but I suppose that you still have more to learn, and this is preparing you for the next challenge.

Another, God? I’m not sure I can take it.

Use the lessons I have taught you, and the things you have learned from me. Remember that you can call on me for help and strength when you are struggling. Call on me, and I will answer you. Seek, and you will find rest in me.

You do not have to do it alone.

Unreasonable Obedience

As you may have noticed, today is All Saints’ Day. It is a day when we celebrate those who have gone before us. Today we celebrate our Saints in churches around the world. I imagine that each of us have saints that have been influential in our lives. Saints that taught us what it means to love people and be obedient to God. These Saints have a value that cannot be gauged or measured. Only as we continue to grow and receive new revelations from God can we even begin to understand how they have affected our lives.

We have such a rich history here at Bethel/Camp Springs where many have gathered before us to worship God and celebrate God’s good work in our lives. Saints have been working here for the past two hundred years, and will continue to work, as we listen to God’s word and attend to the service of God.

In my life, I have had saints teach me what it means to journey closely with God and follow God especially when I do not understand what or why something is happening. Bill Dingus is one of those saints.

When I met Bill Dingus he was in a motorized wheel chair. He had been living in it for at least ten years by the time I met him. He had been a teacher, and still loved books and to learn new things. His wife was the organist at my father’s church when we moved there. We became friends, because I also loved to read books and talk about history with him. I remember going over to help him wrap presents for his wife because he had a hand that he could not use. God used him to teach me about joy. He was living life fully, even when his body was not fully complete.

Though Bill did not have a complete or perfect body, God used him to teach me the ways that I could show love for others. Bill taught me the power of asking for help, in acknowledging that we cannot do everything on our own.

But I still struggle during those times when I do ask for help and the response I receive is not that which I expect. The times when I struggle the most is when something happens that I did not expect and so I am uncomfortable. But I find that it is through those times when I am uncomfortable that I then grow the most.

Mary and Martha received an unexpected response from Jesus when their brother Lazarus was sick. They sent a message to Jesus saying that Lazarus was sick, and Jesus didn’t rush to his bedside. Jesus stayed where he was an extra two days. The Gospel does not explain why Jesus waited those two days to begin his journey. It clearly states that Jesus loved the family, but he waited anyway, or because of his love. Finally, when Jesus eventually arrives in Bethany, the village of Mary, Martha, and Lazarus, Jesus learns that Lazarus has been dead for four days.

First Martha learns that Jesus arrives in town, so she goes to talk to him. Martha, God bless her, almost gets it. She believes that if Jesus had been there, that Lazarus would not have died. She believes in the possibility of a miracle, but also that the window of possibility is now shut. She even believes in the resurrection, but only the eventual resurrection. She fails to put together the pieces that Jesus presents.

Too often, that’s what I do. I put all the things that Jesus can do in their own little separate boxes, and fail to see the big picture of possibilities that God has open for me. If I can make God fit in my boxes then I can plan and craft my ideas and ideals about the work I should be doing. I can stay comfortable. Because Martha could not see the big picture of the glory of God, she could not see the possibility of greatness that Jesus presents.

But Martha goes to get her sister Mary, and she runs to meet Jesus. Those who are with her, consoling her, follow to see where she is going, thinking she was going to go to the tomb to continue to mourn.

And then Mary comes to see Jesus, while he is still outside the village. This is where our scripture for the day begins. I am going to read the John 11 passage again, since we now have the back story.

32 When Mary arrived and saw Jesus, she fell at his feet and said, “Lord, if only you had been here, my brother would not have died.”

33 When Jesus saw her weeping and saw the other people wailing with her, a deep anger welled up within him, and he was deeply troubled. 34 “Where have you put him?” he asked them.

They told him, “Lord, come and see.” 35 Then Jesus wept. 36 The people who were standing nearby said, “See how much he loved him!” 37 But some said, “This man healed a blind man. Couldn’t he have kept Lazarus from dying?”

38 Jesus was still angry as he arrived at the tomb, a cave with a stone rolled across its entrance. 39 “Roll the stone aside,” Jesus told them.

But Martha, the dead man’s sister, protested, “Lord, he has been dead for four days. The smell will be terrible.”

Martha here is the voice of common sense. She argues and makes a claim which, in any other circumstance, would be completely accurate and relevant. Lazarus really had been dead for four days, and it was going to be unhealthy for the stone to be lifted and the tomb opened because dead bodies are not nice and clean.

There are many things in our lives which we have covered up that are unhealthy. We attempt to cover them with nice and clean decorations but God can see beneath to our core, those things which need to be healed. Only when god lifts the stones in our lives can we be shown what we need to do to follow Christ.

But God works beyond our human sense and so Jesus calls us to the level of his holy wisdom, not one that is stuck in the bounds of our unimaginative earthly ideas. Too often we are distracted by our own situations and our assumptions of the situation, that we are not open to the full plan that God has prepared for us to receive. We are forced to trust that God will provide a way for us to live into a God-sized obedience.

Continuing in verse 40 Jesus responded, “Didn’t I tell you that you would see God’s glory if you believe?” 41 So they rolled the stone aside.

God requires obedience before all the evidence of action of God’s will is revealed. Those who did what Jesus said and trusted him show us what we need to do in our trust and faith in God. In this case they trusted him that that he would not lead them to a place of danger. But sometimes we are called into the danger, without a promise of safety from God. Physical safety and personal comfort is not guaranteed when we follow God. Christ gave the perfect example of unreasonable obedience through his journey to the cross. It is because of the example of Jesus dying on the cross and then rising from the dead that we are able to practice his type of obedience that does not make sense in this world. We have to be willing to be obedient to what seems unreasonable. Only in the realm of human unreason can we enter the glory of God’s great reason.

Continuing in verse 41 Then Jesus looked up to heaven and said, “Father, thank you for hearing me. 42 You always hear me, but I said it out loud for the sake of all these people standing here, so that they will believe you sent me.” 43 Then Jesus shouted, “Lazarus, come out!” 44 And the dead man came out, his hands and feet bound in graveclothes, his face wrapped in a headcloth. Jesus told them, “Unwrap him and let him go!”

45 Many of the people who were with Mary believed in Jesus when they saw this happen.

There are many things which are amazing about this miracle. Not least of which is that a man who was dead was raised to life again. Also in the miracle is the fact that people believed. They were open to the revelation of the glory of God.

Likewise we should be open to the display of God’s glory in our lives. But that requires obedience which many of us, or even any of us, do not have alone. This is an obedience that requires God to work in our hearts, minds, and actions, through our very lives so that we can follow Christ’s lead in obedience. This obedience can be scary and beyond our understanding. It is because of this that we truly do have to trust in God to lead us through it.

Another saint in my life displayed this truth in her life.

I first met Lori Peters when she and I volunteered at a weekend youth retreat. She had had a long history of serving the church through work with the youth, but I had only been at the church for a month. I was still getting to know the youth and the rest of the congregation, so I was eager to go spend some time getting to know the kids at the church. The weekend retreat was perfect for this. Our meals were provided, and the youth director had planned out a series of prayer and meditation activities. She was great with the middle school girls and getting them to settle down for the night.

After the retreat I continued to develop my relationship with her, and a few months later, she found a lump on her shoulder blade. And with a son in high school and a daughter in college, she began a strenuous course of chemotherapy. I had the opportunity to go sit with her during her rounds of treatment, to keep her company and keep her spirits up. I got to know her, and her love and relationships with her family through that time. As I watched her condition worsen, I watched her faith grow stronger as she wrestled and fought with the cancer wracking her body. She was able to see her son begin college, and help her daughter move into her school. And then the day before I began class at Duke Divinity School, she died. She was in my life for less than a year, and yet this saint had affected me and reminds me of the love that I have felt through my life.

She displayed with her life and death what it means to love God completely. Because she trusted in God through the hardship of her struggle with cancer, she still continued to show the love that she felt through Christ and from her church body.

In many ways, the way she was held in the loving arms of her church family helped to keep her spirits strong as her body continued to grow weaker. As the church, this is what we are called to do, to gather with our brothers and sisters in Christ, and join with them in their suffering and their celebration.

This is the purpose of the Eucharist, to join together in celebrating Christ’s obedience, suffering, and resurrection. As a church we gather together to celebrate this holy meal. It is not merely just this church, but the worldwide church. When we break the bread and share the cup of communion, we are literally communing, sharing in Christ’s body with the whole church of the world.

God invites us to share at the table with all those who have gone before us. It is because of Christ’s sacrifice that we trust that God has joined us together. Let us remember to journey with those saints around us to learn how to practice unreasonable obedience. Through this holy meal our broken community is made whole again in Christ. This is why we celebrate today.

They’re Connected

Control and release. Surely others have this problem. I need structure, and if there is not enough structure then I must enforce the structure. To the detriment of others around me. Surely the need to sleep and eat healthy is not unreasonable. But there are other needs, also. Needs that I fail to see unless I shift my focus.

So I forced myself to shift my focus. I’m still working on it. It’s hard. I find that when I am in a new situation my comfort zone is not in the situation itself, but the control I have over it. If I feel out of control then I am likely to put up my barriers and defenses. I deceive myself into believing that if I do not have control over any specific action, that I will be miserable. It is not the case. Sure, I may miss out on other opportunities but choices must always be made.

It is impossible to do everything.

But I want to. I want to do everything. I want all possibilities open to me. I want to spend all night talking and get a great night’s sleep. I want to live in Kenya, Costa Rica, France, Ireland, Zimbabwe, Peru, and North Carolina and still keep my ties to south Georgia. I want to do mission, liturgy, pastoral care, Eucharist, evangelism, relief work, and disaster response, get married and home school two kids and still stay as free as I am right now.

I want to control my life.

But it is not mine to control. My life is not my own but God’s. And in that I know that it is through relationships that I get to a fuller and deeper understanding of God’s power and will and love in my life. God lets us know what Love is through his people. If I am to feel the depth of love possible in this life, I must live in community with people who also seek to love and serve God. And living with people means living with their imperfections. I am plenty imperfect to be able to see the grace that others have while they live in community with me. What a display of love, that we do show patience with each other as we strive to live in community and let our light shine to the world.

So let me release control of my life. Let me practice it in my relationships. Grant me a safe environment where I can give over control to others, and let my heart be open to ways to be vulnerable to the community. Remind me of the connectedness of each of our hearts. Remind me to look for and respect the image of God in each person I meet. Let me respond to the Christ in you. Remember the Christ that I am trying to show is better than I am by myself.

That is Grace.

Refuge

Seeking quiet.

Seeking peace.

Calm assurance.

Comfort and knowledge that everything is alright.

Perhaps not.

Perhaps refuge is peace within the storm.

I love storms.

They scare me.

Lightning flash and thunder roll.

Seas crash and roar.

The eye is surrounded by the strongest part of the storm.

The violence swirls around me and all I want to do is sleep.

And watch for what is next.

I want to see it.

Where is it going?

What will happen next?

How will the power of God’s nature change the very form of the earth?

It is an amazing force to be reckoned with.

But it is impossible to reckon with it.

Those who try are destroyed.

But to seek to work with the flow of God’s will,

To work in the form and pattern of the grain,

There is the quiet and comfort that we seek while we go into the world.

And there is God’s refuge.

Want…

Am I allowed to ask myself what I want? I have been taught that I should not want things, that needs are fine and that it is necessary to supply basic needs, but that everything else is a gift from God. When we want something, what does it mean?

Desires could also be a gift from God, and truly if we are in right relationship with our creator, we then can ask for those things which are right for us. How do we discern then, what things are those which we want through God, and those things that we want through the sin that lives within us? When sin has become such a part of our lives that it is as natural as breath, we tend to want those things that separate, divide, and break us apart. Too often I desire that which is not healthy.

Equally fighting for a voice in my head is the voice of the right desire. The desire to serve others, to have a stronger community, to be open with friends. Surely that is a right desire, a good and joyful thing always and everywhere, to give thanks to you, God, the father almighty. You formed us in your image and breathed into us the breath of life. So why do I still want that which will make it harder for me to breathe?

Surely the silly petty wants that I have are not worthy for you to even look at or consider. If they are of such small importance as my want to have clothes that fit or more green vegetables, they cannot be sinful desires, can they? And what about those wants I have to grow in deeper relationship with others? Surely that is what you want, God, right? If I want a better community, that is what you have been striving for, isn’t it? When you sent your son to die, wasn’t it to make the Church? Can I join you in making your Church more like the Body you would have it to be? What if I want to do it my way? Yeah, I didn’t think so.

There are things I do want that I am pretty sure are in alignment with your will, a deeper intimacy and study of your word, but I also want to be able to form my own opinion of those things that you have taught me, I want to argue with them. Help me understand what I should want.

That is my desire.

Called by Name

I am named after my mom’s mother, my father’s sister, and I have my father’s family surname. The name I go by in my community means “pure” and my first name is one which is desired. That’s not helpful.

My grandmother died when I was nine. I knew her, or at least, I have memories about her. I remember her buying me books, and beginning me on my love of reading. So many books. When we cleaned out her house, we had 3000 books to move or give to the library.

I never met my aunt, she died the year before I was born from a mosquito bite she got on a mission project in Panama City Beach, Florida. I go now by the same shortened version of our shared middle names. It throws me off sometimes, because my grandparents will talk about her, and I will hear my name spoken.

Hearing my name spoken always surprises me. Saying someone’s name catches their attention, draws them in, lets them know that they are worthy of attention. It is one of the reasons I know it is so important to learn names in community, and why I beat myself up so when I fail to remember names.

How much do I identify with my name? A few times I have tried out different versions of my name, thought about going by my first name a few times, but it just didn’t feel right. Why have I identified by this name?

I wonder if that is why some people change their names. Do they no longer wish to be reminded about a part of their lives? Do they want to leave their family, or histories behind them? I find that I appreciate the history and meaning of my name, that it has become a part of me, not just a label I use for the convenience of others.

So, call me by my name.

Apples

When I was in Kenya, I craved apples. I saved money so I could afford them when I went to the capital, Nairobi, because a single apple was about the same price as a huge pineapple, about five mangoes, or twenty bananas. But to me, apples were a treat. I can remember buying a Pink Lady apple for the first time, and waiting until I had gotten home so I could soak it in bleach water so that I could enjoy the crisp deliciousness of the taste of home. As I child, apples were not my favorite fruit, I much preferred things that I could eat without having to bite through them. I was a neat child, and the apples were messy, the peel got stuck in my teeth, and they quickly turned brown. Even now I prefer to cut up my apples, so that I can eat them slowly, saving the best parts for last as I nibble on a single apple for close to two hours. They are still a treat to me, and I continue to have new memories about the ways that I have them.

World Communion Sunday 2009

I am serving a two-point charge Field Ed placement this school year. It is a good experience, and I am excited about my chance to explore parish ministry. The first Sunday in October was World Communion Sunday. I generally love this Sunday. I am guaranteed to celebrate Eucharist and because of my world travels I am able to imagine what the world would be like if all the Christians that I have met were to gather together at one table. Really, on this day I imagine that we are all celebrating as Christ’s broken body, together on that day.

But this Sunday I was given the opportunity to look on this celebration with new eyes. My friend Jessica came to visit. I love my friend that I was with in Peace Corps. We struggled and had fun and learned about a new country together. But Jessica is not Christian. She knows I am, and that I take my faith seriously, and that I do not look down on her because of our diametric approaches to God and the Church. But she most definitely does not chare my faith.

Jessica came to visit me, and I had to work, and so we went to church. My little two-point, old, dirgy churches. If I had been able to pick out the kind of service that I would have introduced her to, the worship experience that would have been exciting, entertaining, youthful, and still theologically sound, I would not have picked these churches. They probably would not have been in my top five, or ten.

And then I had to have her come visit on World Communion Sunday. This day that we celebrate the breaking of Christ’s body, and celebrate that we are a community across the world. It was made plain to me how confusing or just plain silly this could all sound to my friend. Here we are celebrating, taking pieces of bread and little shots of grape juice, and this is supposed to be seen as worship to an outsider? What must we be thinking? These words make no sense. The actions make no sense. What is the preacher doing tearing up a loaf of bread in front of these old people that do not sit together?

Truly I am thankful for the chance to look at our service through new eyes. I have been so thoroughly and deeply steeped in Eucharist theology for so very long, that the Holy Mystery has become commonplace. Also, I am glad that Jessica came on a day when I did not have control, a day when I had not planned to share the best, the ideal of worship, but the real, the no so pretty, the worship that most experience through their lives. And though I would have my churches understand that worship is to be where we join together in celebrating what God has done in and through us in the past week, the reality of church is not always that it is pretty, but that it is practiced in the routine of these people who call themselves Christian.